In my attempts to remain healthy and recover from an unforeseen back injury, Sergeant Shredded & I embark on formal speed walking, daily. Usually, we wake up early. Well, early by my standards, anyways…
As fortune favors the bold and there’s no telling what Thursday’s might behold, the decision was made to tackle an afternoon walk. On a Thursday, dun dunn dunnn!
And so it was, at approximately 4:37 PM Eastern Standard Time, the Sergeant & I set out on a walk that will change the course of history in the effort to get fit, and avoid the hit…?
Sergeant Shredded & I were walking lockstep beside each other, attacking the pavement beneath us as we engage in some calorie shredding. The roads are clear and the lakes are popping w/ the sound of suicidal fish, and the occasional alligator or twelve. Not to be outdone, there’s a multitude of feathered creatures spouting off some strange, fowl chirping. Our usual route is relatively scenic, surrounded by conservative swampy marshtasticness, ‘interesting’ aromas, and big ass trees.
At the edge of the first half mile is a large roundabout, w/ 3 entry points. Remember…there are only 3, logically correct and “legally” permitted ways to enter said roundabout. More on that in a moment.
I was flimflamming about who knows what w/ my lovely Sergeant as we approach the impending fork in the sidewalk. We can continue forward, and enter the crosswalk that is just on the outskirts of the roundabout. OR…
we can turn right, follow the swampy marshes, and take the back roads on our way back towards the house.
Now, the unwritten and completely unspoken rules are simple. It’s a safety concern and as such…no deviations allowed. The rules are as follows: take the path of least resistance AND follow the same path you trudged the prior day.
Sergeant Shredded pulls the e-brake and makes an unexpected straight break forwards, into the calamitous and haunting crosswalk on the outskirts of the roundabout…
“What the heck!? What in the bloody hell Harry!?
Why the halibut did you do that?
We were supposed to take the back road, righty right right, right there Sergeant!”, I politely exclaimed out loud.
*WHAM* *CRACK* *SMACK* *CRASH* EFFING BA BOOOOMMMM*
“Holy sh*!$@, WATCH OUTttttt!”, I wildly blurt out to Sergeant Shredded.
I can’t even believe my eyes! What happens next is quite simply, astonishing! Never in my wildest imagination did I ever expect to see…THIS!
A small, hybrid green, electric vehicle does the unthinkable.
As you can see from the photographic evidence, there is only one way to enter the roundabout and it begins once you pass the yield sign. All competent drivers should know this; you MUST yield to drivers and pedestrians within the roundabout. No exceptions!
As Thursday is the day for universal anomalies, you would think that nothing would surprise me anymore. But some things are just beyond the realm of comprehension. When Sergeant Shredded and I hear the thunderous explosion, our eyes immediately draw attention to the small, hybrid, green electric vehicle . Attempting the most unexpected Ridiculousness stunt I’ve ever seen! Beginning its ascent into the atmosphere at breakneck speed.
You all have heard the saying, “It’s like watching a train wreck.”
It means you are a witness to an event so shockingly breathtaking and unbelievable that you can’t help but look on in stupefied amazement.
Like a Harry Potter spell cast from his wicked wand, the electric vehicle is now suspended in the air. Frozen in time and space, with Sergeant Shredded and I innocent bystanders to the whole thing.
The nerve of this electric vehicle! Not to mention, this is without a doubt the worst Evel Knievel impersonation I’ve ever seen. Evie McStevie has the audacity to enter the roundabout in the most daringly idiotic ways conceivable. This moron drives ( I shit you not )…Right between the yield sign and the lamp post!
Taking flight with terrified looks of impending poop explosions splattered across his face. I can see it from the crosswalk; his mouth is wide open, in an all out effort to swallow the windshield entirely.
The thunderous sounds and loud noises we previously heard was the sound of car body scraping concrete, and the ensuing liftoff from Evie McStevie’s make-shift stunt ramp.
The suspense is building. Like the symphony at the orchestra, this show has more theatrics in store for the audience…
Nah, one ramp is for suckers.
Let’s see what this baby is made of!”, Evie McStevie must have been thinking to himself.
He somehow clears the first jump, escaping both yield sign and lamp post, and crashes down in the middle of both lanes, just inside the roundabout.
Ba-da-bing, bong, Wha-
The Evel one has more dare-devilish entertainment at the ready.
“What!?”, I loudly exclaim looking to my right at Sergeant Shredded.
“WHAT!!!!” Sergeant Shredded bewilderingly shouts back at me.
Even damn Evie McStevie is shocked…judging by the hilariously horrific looks on his face.
Another ear-splitting *boom* reverberates around The Sergeant and I while we bear witness to yet another unspeakable action.
The small, hybrid, green electric vehicle does the unthinkable. Rather than perform a legal street maneuver and attempt to exit the roundabout, Evie McStevie FLOORS it and foolishly attempts to jump completely over the lusciously fertile, grassy island divider. Trees, shrubs, bushes and all.
“Evel Knievel goes electric…Take 2.”, the director exclaims.
The second spell cast down upon the haphazard electric vehicle and its insanely stupid driver. The vehicle and its contents are again suspended in the air, frozen in time and space.
To say that I was surprised at the events unfolding around me would be a grave understatement. The first aerial maneuver was shocking and I barely had a moment to catch my breath before attempt #2 started to unfold.
Sergeant Shredded and I are staring back and forth at each other, our jaws now scraping the concrete pavement below us. Both of us get a nasty case of road rash chin.
I hear the sound of four deflating tires. I take it all in and observe…the type of carnage you only expect to see at a demolition derby.
All four tires on the vehicle are completely blown out. The car is starting to smoke and making that distinct whistling sound like the radiator is trying to flirt with you bc it’s so hot.
The electric vehicle comes to a resounding halt, setting up shop in the middle of the grassy island. Making land not even 6 inches away from impending doom and a MASSIVE tree hungry for car consumption.
Not once, but somehow twice…Evie McStevie averts disaster and possibly death. Unexplainably avoiding street signs, lamp posts, trees, and other cautionary hazards that are sure to land one in the hospital or something far, far worse.
“ARE YOU OK!????”, I scream out loud to the driver.
As the words finish leaving my mouth, I see Evie McStevie from the driver side window; stunned. White as a ghost with shock crashing down over him in waves of melancholy.
He is staring directly ahead and clutching the life out of the steering wheel. His knuckles whiter in appearance then his pale face.
“ARE YOU OK!!???”, I yell out to the driver again.
He slowly, almost owl-like, turns his head to the left in my general direction and gives the faintest of nods. It wasn’t the ‘I’m OK’ nod. It was more like the, ‘are you effing serious…did that really happen’ nod.
In what can only be described as the, “I wonder what was going on inside his head at the time” moment…the electric vehicle starts accelerating, attempting to leave the grassy island!
All four tires are completely deflated and this Ridiculous wannabe appears to be leaving the scene of, something. The scene of the crime? The scene of an accident? The scene of insane stupidity from a roundabouts perspective? Perhaps, a little bit of all 3.
Sergeant Shredded and I are audibly yelling to each other at this point,
There’s no way!
He wouldn’t…would he?”
More tomfoolery and nonsense ensues. Evie McStevie slams the gear into drive and begins to slowly putter along. He carefully slithers around tree and shrub and then drives off, up and over the other side of the grassy island, scraping more concrete and doing untold damage to the vehicle’s underbelly.
Bump, crunch, scrape, screech…
Bump, bump-bump, bump, J-U-M-P
The electric vehicle limps out of the bushes and crash down, onto the road. Dragging bumper, branches, and leafs along for the ride. Evie McStevie is riding dirty, grind-ING on all four tire rims.
Bump, brump-bump-bump bump,
Flat, flat-flat-flat FLAT.
Sergeant Shredded and I lock eyes and harness the power of the uni-mind to plot our next course of action.
In unison, we nod our heads in agreement and I begin to charge forward in the direction of the dawdling electric vehicle.
I casually jog around across the street, jump into the roundabout and frantically dash towards danger. I’m approximately 15 feet from the vehicle when it happens…
Evie McStevie makes an entrance for the ages.
He pushes open the door and stumbles out of the electric vehicle. Nearly falling, face first onto the road and into potential oncoming traffic. Simultaneously, a small, metallic container falls out onto the open road amongst all the commotion.
One more time, for those in the back…
“ARE YOU OKAYyyyyy!!??”, I yell over to the electric vehicle’s driver.
“Schm-yep, Spurfectly schmo-kay”, the driver fumbles back to me.
And then, nonchalantly, he proceeds to flash me an emphatic thumbs-up signal! As if the universal signal of approval is somehow suited and acceptable for the current predicament.
Evie McStevie then begins stumbling over top of himself, staggering in a seemingly drunk fashion around the perimeter of his vehicle. He performs the swiftest 40 point inspection imaginable, taking account of the damage and noting the abuse, before arriving at a conclusion.
“Sheems like it’s in fline shworking morder,
Just a scurface wound”, the driver incoherently murmurs.
He then reaches into his front pocket, grabs his cellular device and whips it out w/ stunning velocity. He dials a number, puts the phone to his ear, and….
Climbs into the electric vehicle. He puts the key in the ignition, starts the seemingly undriveable car w/ four flat tires and begins to DRIVE AWAY!!
Yes, you read that right.
Evie McStevie makes a break for it, fleeing the scene of an accident on four flat tires! Rims and all.
Without a moments hesitation, Evie McStevie rides off bumpily, into the sunset. The sound of the tire rubber flopping violently onto and off-of the pavement echos loudly as he frantically attempts his getaway.
“Flop, flop-flop-flop, PLOP,
Flap, wiggle swiggle, whack, SMACK!
The flopping and flapping, smacking and whacking of tire rubber grows fainter, and fainter, and fainter as the electric vehicle drives away.
Sergeant Shredded and I stare on in wondrous horror as Evie McStevie puts a bow on this story. One final, hilarious maneuver remains.
Evie McStevie made a thunderous and pronounced entrance into our lives, at the precipice of the roundabout. In a cruel, yet hilarious bit of irony, the only way to exit the premises is by going down, out, and around…another roundabout.
The Sergeant and I intently watch the small, hybrid, green electric vehicle drive away. Laughing together, still in shock and utterly bewildered at the Ridiculousness that has become Thursday’s.
And, with that,
Evel Knievel Goes Electric…On A Thursday!